The Man in the Mirror

Well there's three people in the mirror
and I'm wondering
which one of them I should choose.

I have never seen myself in the mirror. 

I often look at my reflection, and frankly I quite enjoy it, but it never seems completely honest.

I always seem to strike some pose, and far too often my motives seem to be shielding the reflection, or myself, from my true emotions. 

I even try, and fail, to catch myself by surprise some times. 

I might be innocently grooming, pondering, brushing my teeth, or just spacing out completely, before swiftly staring into my eyes like one does to entertain children who keeps sneaking peeks at you.

I then feel my face shifting, in the milliseconds where everything is still a blur, and see the focused stare of a stranger. 

I thought for a long time the problem might be that my mind was far too aware of my schemes to be caught by surprise, so of course there was only one reasonable option left.

I have to try with an altered mind.

I don't drink with the sole purpose of trying to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but for the taste, or to have more fun in a social gathering.

I hardly ever drink for self discovery.

I do, however, go to the bathroom quite often, as beer is my poison of choice, and whenever I look up into the mirror I'm greeted by someone who seems as surprised as I am to find someone staring back.

I don't really know why it feels this way, or if anyone else feel the same way, but one thing is absolutely certain.

I will keep looking.

The Meaning of Life

Are you happier now
that the gods are dying?
Great lyrics from a great song by the great band Franz Ferdinand.
It got me thinking about happiness in general. The price we pay for it, the importance of it, and how to get it.

X marks the good life.

Now I have my mental problems and my temporary cures, and most of my friends are similar, but it took 19-20 years for me to begin actively seeking this pleasure people often take for granted. You might think being yourself is the key to lasting smiles, but that may not always be true. I know who I am, and I’m mostly a loner, I’m quiet, I’m analytical and thinking, I’m a bit nuts in the holy-shit-I’m-going-to-die-some-day-that’s-hilarious kind of way, I’m angry, I loathe the dimwitted, I love metal and things that display utter insanity in a way I find fitting, I’m judgemental, I’m slightly racist, I’m as two-faced as I have to be to observe everyone or remain in favour with those around me, and I’m intelligent. I am mostly a good guy and I have my morals though.
To be honest none of those things really make me happy.

"I smile only to torment you. Inside I'm crying."

Until a year back I was sure the meaning of life was to be, to observe, to learn and experience, and that sounds ideological and naïve. For some time I became sure there was absolutely no meaning, and to look for one meant admitting a higher power. Now I think: Of course life has a meaning, or else I wouldn’t bother, and it’s to be happy and enjoy while you still can.

I’m getting closer and closer to my own personal happy recipe. I need sleep, not always easy. I need to avoid the news and most politics, very doable, but not to an extreme degree. I need to enjoy the moment, which I’m good at, and most important of all: I must at all cost maintain my screw it/them mentality. Not caring is essential to happiness.

A swim is fine too.

I'm also expanding my horizon when it comes to entertainment. Instead of dissecting everything placed in front of me I just shut up for a few minutes and see what happens. Most of the time when I just stop thinking so much I can enjoy things. This has opened me up to the Blood album by Franz Ferdinand, Pendulum, Julien K, possibly Skrillex and other things I would simply scoff at as I turned up the volume on Tools Aenema.

On my road to happiness, this is like a tree in Pokémon.

Does this mean I've outgrown metal, brains and hate? Absolutely not! This just means I'll dose my hatred a little more carefully, taking my well being in consideration first.

The Ruthless march of Progress

When I was a kid there were 151 Pokémon, and the only way to get all of them was if your friends all bought different Pokémon games and you all tediously swapped monsters with a cable from one gameboy to the other.
Then came the Gameboy Advance and I bought it with a friend of mine. We swapped it every two weeks and whoever was going on vacation would get it. We were very happy with that, and still played Pokémon even though it was getting old.

This is to me what black and white TV is to my grandparents.

When Pokémon gold and silver came out we didn't bother. We already had Red, and a friend had Yellow, so that was fine. Then when the Nintende DS, or whatever that first weird one was named, came out we didn't really speak any more, and I, at least, thought it would be ridiculous to buy a clunkier Gameboy with a smaller screen, so I stuck with the Advance.
That's about the point where I stopped upgrading unless I really wanted to.

Not upgrading saved my life more than once...

I still use my, has it really been so long, six year old iPod Nano, and I'm currently looking for a phone that resembles my old one. That old thing lasted at years and only broke because it can't really handle being used like you're supposed to for very long. I do not want a smart phone, I do not want anything with a touch screen. You know how the image on old TVs some times jumped around? That's how my old phone is now, and I actually preferred that to an iPhone knockoff,  and I would still use it if offered a real iPhone.

You know this keyboard is about the worst we could use, right?

Why on earth would anyone want a stupid touch keyboard with the dumbest layout in history instead of those incredibly handy little keys we used to have? Why in the holy name of gravity would I want to look at pictures and play games on my music player? Will future pants come with a milking bucket and a bookshelf?

We're being told these things are steps taken forwards, but when phones are designed for games, cameras, social networking and shiny, instead of reception and typing, what kind of progress is it really?
If you upgrade your phone you should get something that functions better as a phone, not something with 20gb instead of 12gb

Mornings

The worst way in the world to wake up is suddenly. Instead of gently becoming more awake as the daylight seeps in and you get all the sleep you need, you're jerked out of your peaceful slumber into a world of pain.
The human body was not made to wake up this way, and it wasn't made to sleep this way either. We're supposed to sleep two, maybe three times each day.

This is better than eight hours of sleep in the night.

Why are we still fighting human nature instead of incorporating a ninety minute nap in the middle of the day?
Not masturbating causes hysteria, not sleeping right causes us to be less alert and effective as human beings, eating stupidly sends us into a never ending spiral of doom. Could we stop trying to combat nature and instead just make friends with it and try living according to its rules?

Post party chill

What was supposed to be a movie with some drinks turned into two movies and a lot of drinks. Which is actually awesome.
Two people taking the last bus home became two people eating burger and saying, food in mouth, "screw it! I'm staying here tonight!". Which was actually my secret plan all along. My culinary treats, tons of beds, funny dumb cats, encouraging words to drink, and the scary movie keeps guests in my California hotel.

Now there are two things that makes drinking a really attractive concept to me.
I get to turn off most bad parts of my brain, so most of what's left is just creativity, a love of people (I mostly hate people in general), and the ability to just purely enjoy more things.
The other thing is that I just calm down completely and don't have to... anything!
There's nothing in the bottom of a glass for me but mental freedom

Blogging

This new media of ours called blogging resembles cave paintings. Though our grammar is probably better now I think it's a bit awesome that this ultra modern phenomenon is nothing more than an extension of extremely primal needs